Alright everyone, let’s have a moment of silence for our troll’s social life. It died of neglect eight years ago and was buried in a shallow grave under a pile of beer bottles and unearned self-importance.
We’re talking about a man who thinks he’s a philosopher-king, but his entire kingdom is a computer screen screen sticky with something I pray to God is just soda. He’s a warlord in a comment section, a general leading an army of upvotes. In the real world, his biggest conflict is a cold war with his mom over whether his tendies are “too crispy.”
He wears his fake-ass mask of confidence so tight you can see the strain marks. He acts like he’s Socrates, but his deep thoughts are limited to “Why did that guy on Reddit disagree with me?” and “Who used my favorite bowl?” Buddy, your life has become a police procedural about a missing utility knife. You’re not Sherlock Holmes; you’re just a sad man wondering who took the butter knife, when the real mystery is who took your will to live and now you’re life is guarding your own cutlery like a jaded prison warden angry at the prisoners ‘cos his wife left him.
You are the human embodiment of a 404 error: personality not found. All that “intelligence” and you still haven’t figured out that the person you hate the most in the world isn’t some stranger online—it’s the pale, joyless creature you see in the reflection of your monitor when the screen goes dark. All that hate you spew is just self-loathing with a data plan. Everyone sees it. We all know the real you is a scared little boy terrified that without Mommy’s back up money, you’re just… nothing.
And let’s talk about Reddit. Of course you live there. It’s the perfect terrarium for your species: a sealed-off, self-sustaining ecosystem of mutual affirmation, where you and a bunch of other guys who peaked in a high school debate club can accuse the entire world of the exact hypocrisy you practice every day. You’re not a “voice of reason,” you’re just part of the circle-jerk chorus.
Honestly, the mentally ill homeless guy yelling at a pigeon on the street corner contributes more to the local economy than you do. At least he’s getting some fresh air. You are a black hole of productivity, a drain on society whose only function is to convert your parents’ hard-earned money into server costs and vitriol.
So cheers to you, my friend. May your opinions always be loud, your arguments always be in bad faith, and may your mom never forget to pay the internet bill, because without it, you’d just be a rude, lonely guy in a quiet room.
Contribution to Society: Negative. Subject is a net drain on resources, both material and emotional, and produces no discernible value. Subject’s primary output is digital refuse.
Subject is effectively neutralized by his own ineptitude and dependency. He is trapped in a feedback loop of his own creation.
Girlfriend? Bahahaha Perhaps one in your whole life, that would make anyone fucking miserable.
What goes around comes around, usually when you least expect it.
Guess what, now I know exactly WHO you are, and WHERE you are.
Closer than I thought….small world hey.