By our correspondent for Geopolitical Theatre & Advanced Bullsh*t Studies
IN SHORT: A SUMMARY FOR THE WILLFULLY DISTRACTED
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After helping supply the matches and looking the other way while the house burned for decades, several Western nations have sent a very nice Hallmark card acknowledging the ashes.
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This act of “recognition” is a revolutionary new diplomatic tool that has the same material impact as “thoughts and prayers” but requires more paperwork.
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The arsonist is reportedly “very disappointed” in the people sending the card, calling it a “huge reward for the homeowner who had the audacity to be on fire.”
WHAT’S NEXT?
A series of very sternly worded follow-up letters are expected, possibly written in a new font to show they really mean it this time. Meanwhile, the bulldozer’s engine is still running.
The Expert’s Commentary: History Doesn’t Repeat, It Rhymes… and the Rhyme is Always a Limerick About a Guy Getting Screwed
You see this announcement? This is a masterwork. George Carlin would have had a field day with the language. “We recognize Palestine.” Recognize! Oh, that’s beautiful! I recognize you! You’re the guy whose leg is caught in that bear trap we sold to the other guy! Good to see ya! Keep up the… y’know… existing!
This is the oldest play in the colonial handbook, a move Howard Zinn would spot from a mile away. It’s the “Noble Treaty” routine. You sign a piece of paper with the indigenous population guaranteeing them their sacred lands “for as long as the river flows,” then you divert the river, frack the land, and build a casino on their burial ground. The paper gives you moral cover. It proves you’re one of the good guys. See? We recognized them! Now, about that pipeline…
Silvia Federici would call this the final, most insulting stage of “enclosure.” For centuries, enclosure was about building fences, kicking peasants off the commons, and turning their land into private property for profit. What’s happening in Palestine is a modern, brutal version of that—enclosing people, water, and futures. So after you’ve taken the land, the resources, the freedom of movement, and the very ability for a community to reproduce itself, you hand them a symbolic deed to the prison yard and call it a “state.”
It’s cosmic-level gentrification. You get priced out of your existence and they name a condo development after your ghost.
And then there’s the Chomsky angle, the grand chess game of imperial management.
Why now? Why are Australia, Canada, and the UK all doing this? Is it a sudden attack of conscience?
Ha!
Don’t make me spit out my coffee.
Conscience is the first thing they cut from the budget.
No, this is PR crisis management.
The kids are on the streets, the videos from Gaza are making the nightly news look like a snuff film, and the term “genocide” is no longer confined to academic seminars.
The brand is taking a hit. So the managers in Canberra and London need to change the channel. This “recognition” is a cost-free way to look humane. It’s a strategic move to pacify the angry mob at home so they can get back to business as usual—which, let’s be clear, involves maintaining the very power structures that allow this to happen.
It’s not a solution; it’s a tranquilizer dart for the body politic.
The Moral of This Shaggy Dog Story
Bill Hicks used to say, “It’s just a ride.” But sometimes the ride is a rollercoaster designed by sadists where half the passengers are told they have to build the track in front of them while the other half gets to throw rocks at them.
The moral here is simple: Never mistake the menu for the meal. A declaration of statehood is a piece of paper. Sovereignty is control over your life, your land, and your borders.
Handing a drowning man a certificate that says he is, in theory, allowed to swim, is not a rescue.
It’s a sick joke.
You think this is new? Honey, this is a rerun.
It’s Friends on TBS.
You know exactly what’s going to happen.
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Echo #1: Apartheid South Africa. For years, the same Western countries called Nelson Mandela a terrorist and said the only way forward was “constructive engagement” with the apartheid regime. Translation: “We’ll keep doing business with the racists, but we’ll be sure to wag our fingers at them every Christmas.” It wasn’t until a massive, global, grassroots boycott movement made it politically and economically impossible to keep supporting them that these governments suddenly found their moral compass. Weird how that works, huh? This recognition is the political class desperately sprinting to get in front of a parade the people started years ago.
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Echo #2: The Enclosure of the Commons. This is just a modern-day enclosure. Back in the day, they put up fences around the common lands the peasants used to survive, kicked them off, and called it “agricultural improvement.” Now, they put up walls, checkpoints, and illegal settlements, call it “security,” and then offer to “recognize” your sovereignty over the postage-stamp-sized pieces of land that are left. It’s the same hustle, just with better branding.
So, What Happens Now? (Spoiler: The Same Damn Thing)
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The Photo-Op Gala: There will be summits. Handshakes. Solemn expressions. Leaders will congratulate each other on their “courage” and “vision.” It’ll be a diplomatic circle-jerk of epic proportions.
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Absolutely Jack-Shit Changes on the Ground: Netanyahu’s quote in your article is the only honest statement in the whole damn piece. He says, “It will not happen.” He’s telling you the truth! While Albanese is giving speeches at the UN, the settlements will expand, the checkpoints will remain, and the fundamental reality of occupation will not change one iota.
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The Media Will Applaud the “Progress”: The headlines will pivot from “atrocity” to “process.” Commentators will talk about this “new momentum for peace.” It’s a trick to get you to stop paying attention to the boot and start admiring the eloquent speech of the guy wearing it.
So, why is it all happening? Because it’s easier to change a dictionary definition than it is to change reality. It’s easier to issue a press release than to challenge an ally armed to the teeth by your other, bigger ally.
This isn’t a step towards peace. This is an intermission. It’s a chance for the audience to go buy some popcorn and forget the horror of the first act.
Don’t fall for it.
Keep your eyes on the stage.
The real show is about to start again.
Or, you know, go back to sleep.
The powerful are counting on it.
This is a parody article of the original at https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-09-21/australia-formally-recognises-state-of-palestine/105799238